Sunday, 2 October 2011

How did we end up here?

For me the cuckquean tendencies have been like a giant ball of string that I've been unraveling. I've had fantasies about being involved in threesomes for a very long time. I had to work out that I was kinky and that I was bi and that I liked the idea of having other women in bed in a MFF situation.

I first started fantasizing about being a cuckquean during my first sexual relationship.  My boyfriend was very focused on the idea of us having a threesome with another woman.  He never explained himself to me however I've pieced together that he spent a lot of his time trying to build me up to the point where this would become possible.  He really seemed to enjoy 'corrupting' me.  To this end he supplied me endless amounts of pornography, mostly featuring girl on girl action either in lesbian scenes or in MFF threesomes.

I could not hide how aroused I would get over these movies.  He would fondle me and fuck me while we watched them, making sure I came.  He began to ramp the focus up by asking me which girls I found attractive and which ones I would want in bed with us.  He got good at identifying my 'type' and tried to tailor the movies in that direction.  Since he'd started the dirty talk I had no qualms about continuing it.  I began to use it to turn him on and of course chose his favorite topic of having a sexy lady in bed with us.  I never trusted that his drive for a threesome wasn't just about him getting to have sex with someone else and when I told him dirty stories I started to twist them so they were more and more focused on him fucking this other woman while I helped him.  This turned him on and he'd fuck me like a wild man.  Unfortunately (or fortunately?) for me it had a side effect I hadn't anticipated.  I started cumming to the idea of him using another woman, and the more graphic it got the harder I came.  I started thinking about this scenario when he wasn't around even, and I still came like gangbusters.

All things must come to an end, and despite the hot sex, that relationship wasn't particularly good.  As it turned out I was right and he did cheat on me while out of town for work.  It took me a long while after his betrayal to start thinking about being a cuckquean again.

Enter my first marriage.  Sexually speaking a very bland relationship during which I realized that I was bi-sexual.  My then husband was horrified at the idea of any type of threesome or me doing anything sexual with anyone else.  I found myself fantasizing about him cheating on me so I could join him with another woman, or of myself setting him up with a woman so we could both explore.  I always thought of him having sex with her... I don't know if it was to make me feel less guilty for what I wanted or if it was a sort of payment for me to get to experience sex with a woman.   I found over time that I was able to get off better with the image of him fucking another woman. 

You could say my pump had already been primed by the time that I met my Master.  I had met him with the understanding that he was knowledgeable in BDSM techniques and I was interested in learning and experiencing.  I let him know I was very interested in a MFF threesome and exploring my bi-sexuality.  He was more than okay with this.  He told me he thought he was poly-amorous and that he had always pictured himself having multiple relationships with women. 

We agreed that my desire to explore my bi-sexual side and his desire to continue to experience other women was something we could work on together.  To that end I kept myself open to opportunity to experiences that came along.  He accepted a job at some distance from me and we decided to continue our relationship despite the distance.

Somewhere along the way we fell in love and committed to be together.  I wasn't sure how I felt about having another woman in my relationship or how I felt about him having sex with someone else, but we'd figure it out together.  So with that we started simply looking for experiences and talking about things.  

My Master/Husband is into the idea of including others in our sex life, which we now do fairly regularly. However he struggles somewhat with the idea of cucking, his thinking being more threesome, with myself fully included. I think with someone else he'd have no issues with this, he doesn't struggle with humiliation or objectification or gratuitous sex he just struggles with it in regards to me, fear of hurting me, not wanting to damage me, not wanting me to hate him.

We've played around with partner swapping and traditional MFF threesomes. In our pursuit of threesomes we've stumbled into pseudo-cuck scenarios. There's been good and bad things about them and it's taught me a lot about the parameters I need to feel safe while doing this and what parts of it I actually enjoy.

It has taken me a long time to realize that there is a pattern to the porn that I like best and the fantasies that most appeal me. I always thought they were just MFF threesomes then I realized that I was often putting a bit of a tilt on the scenario and the M wasn't giving even attention to both of the F's and I was putting myself in the place of the F getting the least attention. It's been something that I've been confused about how to explain or admit to my partner. In all honesty I've also been afraid of admitting it fully to myself.

To complicate matters we've recently begun seeing a submissive woman (which has also helped bring this to a head within me) and we are hoping that it will become an ongoing situation. I have no idea where she fits into this... or if she will at all. If nothing else it will be interesting! LOL

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